Ive just been having a quiet morning this morning and you know one thing that is slowly taking hold with me due to well getting no contact from someone who is still very dear to me, is that i think it is time to let go, it is time to move on as i feel i am looking really silly at the moment.
I think i fell so hard as well I felt like I had a family and would and i feel always will do anything for them.
I have been looking over where things went wrong and i know with in my heart in someways i was trying to do the right thing i feel i just did not look at the bigger picture which is a fuck up but i think i am going to have to let go and move on or i am never going to pull myself out of this.
Its a pain when ones heart is involved i tell you and hurts like a bastard but hey life is too short to be dragged right down and when things do get bad hold onto something that is true and real, for me it has been the sunsets, for me it has been a friendship from someone that has stuck by me through thick and thin.
I think i know i need to move on or i am going to loose everything. its going to hurt for a long time, but look dont let everything go for the sake of giving up, you know i think something hit home to me today as i felt last night night well ending it all.
But than i know i could never do that as i made a promise to someone along time ago that i would never break.
Hey look life is a bitch at times, i think one just has to click to the fact that among the bad things there are so many good things that are not worth loosing.
I will always love the two people in my life that I am happy we knew each other for the time that we did but i know if i dont sort my shit out i run the risk of going to far down that i will not be able to bring myself back, i know with in my heart i dont want this, as i love what one can see in this world and be involved in.
There are special things that come your way and always will be,
When this happend to me to some degree back in my past I went to Vancouver, and spent time there and well love the place and always will. i watched the snow falling out side the library there.
I took the ferry to Vancouver island, on a rough day when snow was falling on the deck outside and you know i bloody loved it the heart healed and well i grew stronger.
I thought i would never get my life back together but i did as i hung on to things that were special to me and it looks like i will be doing that again this time.
I feel this time it will be quicker as i have a very dear friend in my life and i have people who do respect me at the airline, though i will admit at the moment i am struggling to still like the airline at the moment as i feel i put the airline before well love and that is something i never wanted to do.
It gets to me at times that i feel all people know me for is the airline, where as i hope i would be more than just the airline.
I dont want to hate the place as I love what we do there and I know we do it well but than i think hell is this all i am ?
I know i will have to sort this out and I hope to over the week that I have taken off to do so with the help of a true friend, lyall bay and photos i know i will fly again so to speek.
I know I should have not let this hit me so hard and in someways I have been really stupid that I have, I feel with in my heart that I really was in love, that i really had found my soul mate but than to have things go so wrong due to some things i had done and other events i kind of let it all get on top of me.
time to start climbing that mountain again, it is going to take some time as hell i dont want to get hurt again i really dont so i feel i am starting from the bottom of the mountain again over this week its going to be a slow climb, but i know i will get to that summit again just take time and love for myself and trust in myself and love from those close to me.
So in writing this i feel i am putting in those starting ropes to start the climb slowly back again .....
